How to shrug it off?

I really struggle with my emotions. I will cry at most (sad) things and I really do love a good sob to a book, I've gone so far as to seek it out sometimes! But lately I'm kind of a mess. Due to all the mess of my personal life - starting in 2012 - I don't really know how to shelf things and just let go or deal with it another time. I almost let things build up to a point I can't take it anymore.

Today has been one of those days. I really wanted to do a blog post about what a lovely weekend we have had with family but of course with the highs come the lows. I can't just take what someone says and brush it off, I let it cut me to the core so much that I feel everyone is against me. Even those that sympathise and say "yes, you are in the right" I feel like are mocking me. I assume that is part of my anxiety I have accumulated in the last few years. I struggle a lot with thinking people are laughing at me, or know things about me I don't want them to - stemming from my most recent relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I think I am a strong, independent person. I thoroughly enjoy being on my own (aside from the lonely moments) and I think in a crisis I'm level headed. But on a Sunday evening, when Harrie is in bed and I'm on the receiving end of yet another verbal attack...I'm on the floor.

How do I learn to just ignore it, as I'm so often told? It's beyond me, I say it, I mean it - only communicate with me for X reason...but then I will find myself in this moment again in a few weeks time. I'm almost drowning in it.

All of the ailments

I've been MIA. I have a ton of blog posts planned but unfortunately I'm even struggling to type this one. I have a huge lump on my wrist, potentially a ganglion and carpal tunnel. Bloody nightmare, especially when you have a toddler. It's also on my money maker arm, which is 10 x worse.

Secondly, I found out a few weeks ago that I have sciatica. I'm not 100% sold that it is that though. I got a knee injury last September and never went to the doctors, just got over it basically, but now if I'm up and about for over 2 hours I'm in the most pain from my hip to my foot. And I mean AGONY. Burning sensation, pain, numbness...the works. I've been referred for an MRI and physio but that's weeks and weeks away as I'll be just popped on the waiting list. I don't mind, I'm not more worthy of a scan than anyone else, it kind of just puts a spanner in the works as it's the summer hols and we have a ton of things planned, most of which are extremely active (for a toddler and a limp).

So yes, I'm hoping I can get back into blogging but with this (potential) cyst I'm struggling to type for too long, the posts might just take a little longer to get up.

Will have to sign off now as the painkillers are kicking in so it's time for some sleep.

Take care x

Our 5 year plan

I graduated 4 years ago. FOUR. I have had two crappy low-paid jobs since then, and a two year old. But now it is time to focus on the long game, I need to create stability and security for us, for our future.

So this is my five year plan:

2016/2017 - There's not a whole lot on the to-do list but I need to get a placement at a primary school, for ten days at least. I also need to complete my UCAS application for September 2017 to do a PGCE in primary school teaching. Since a young girl I wanted to be a teacher but then I grew up and the big wide world threw a million exciting jobs at me and I got lost in it all. I have a degree in Criminology and Youth Studies, which of course I would love to pursue, but the teacher shortage crisis in the UK has made me think a little differently. Harrie will start school in a few years and I want her to have an excellent education, from teacher's who want to teach, and I know I have it in me to join forces and be passionate about learning for our future generations. PREACH.

2017/2018 - Hopefully I will be starting and completing my PGCE and heading into the next year as an newly qualified teacher. This is also the year I hope to take Harrie on a big holiday (as we will be forced to only have school holiday trips after that). I don't know whether I'm thinking Disney or Lapland, or something in between, but the goal is set.

2018/2019 - Harrie starts school September 2018 so this is when I will finally return to full time work, fingers crossed it will be my return to school also. This is the point where our saving for security begins. The target is a mortgage by the time I'm 32, so that will give me about 4 years to save every penny!

2019/2020 - More saving, more saving, more saving

2020/2021 - Same as before but hopefully we can squeeze another decent holiday out of the fund. I'm hoping I will be established in a school by this point and aim to be re-training to become a primary maths specialist teacher.

2021/2022 - The scary part; buy a house hopefully...

Here's to the future! I am fully aware situations change, people may come into our life or leave it, but this plan is just for me and Harrie at the moment. We have a long road ahead of us, but I feel I need to do this, for both of us.


Take care x

There is no irritant as painful as an ace up your sleeve that you can never use

My brain is a mess right now. How do you explain something to someone who makes it so obvious they just don't care enough to listen?

I'm really struggling with this co-parent business. I am the only parent for 28 nights of the month. I am the only parent for 28 days of the month. I take my darling to nursery, to the park, to activities, shopping, to visit family and friends, I make her 3 meals a day, I make playdoh animals with her, I kiss her ouchies better...I can truthfully say I do everything for her. I would be completely happy if I could up that to 30 days a month.

Planning ahead

Anyone with children understands that they need constant entertainment otherwise they will be a handful and a half. Harriet isn't any different. Due to just coming back from a fun-filled holiday, she has taken to trashing the house and causing any amount of havoc she can, because she doesn't have 6 adults attending to her every whim. Help me. Two days ago she shouted me from half way down the stairs so I went to see what she was doing and she launched a bottle of shower gel at me. A bottle she had unscrewed the lid from. Onto my dry clean only skirt and the carpet. Why, child?

So operation Summer Holiday Survival has begun. I'm hoping to get us away somewhere in the UK every fortnight for a few days so we can visit people, but also so that being at home in between is slightly more bearable. Parks and play centres are packed during the holidays and Harrie has developed this tendency of late to find a child (usually a good few years older) and copy everything they do. I ran at the speed of light the other day as she jumped to reach the monkey bars behind a 7 year old. Bloody terrifying. So we need to try and avoid those as much as we can really unless its first thing in the morning.

My plans so far mainly focus on August; I got two free tickets to Legoland via The Sun (don't judge me, I didn't read it) so we are off to Windsor for a few days for the first weekend. Then the following Sunday we go to our heart-town, Lancaster, to visit friends and loved ones with my twin - I think I'm most excited for this, we only get to go back once or twice a year and it's lovely for my friends to see how much Harrie has changed. Then finally a fortnight later we go to my sister and brother-in-law's house in Essex for a long bank holiday weekend, maybe with a trip to the seaside thrown in!

Those are our concrete plans but my friend from Dublin is hoping to fly over at the end of July, which will be so good as Harrie really loves her. I'm also hoping to get to a zoo or something as she's super into animals at the moment, plus we need to get all the attractions in before she turns 3 haha! On top of this I hope to make our first proper trip to Birmingham Library to sign Harrie up and borrow some books so we can really get into that together. I adore reading and always have since a very young child, and I'm really hoping Harrie shares that enjoyment with me.

I'm not sure what else we will get up to but I'm sure I will get a good few blog posts out of that to keep you all updated with our activities!

Take care everyone x

How do you just stop caring?

I just want to put it out there that I have zero feelings for Harriet's father. I'm not fully indifferent though, I'm still struggling with all the situations he put me in and the emotional distress he caused me. How do you get past that? Every time he tells me, oh-so-sensitively, about another conquest, another engagement (I kid you not), I just feel so much hate. And the most annoying part is that he attributes it to jealousy. I feel all this emotion towards him because I cannot escape him. He will always be in my life, and he doesn't deserve it. This is not me commenting on him as a father by the way, as a person in general. Imagine the worst relationship you've known, horrific break up and a very insensitive ex. And then someone tells you that you need to talk to them everyday. Some days it makes me want to change my number and move away to never hear from him again. I never would as I will push Harrie and him to have a relationship for as long as she wants it, for ten years or forever. But I just wish I didn't have to be involved.

Our Liskeard Getaway

So I haven't posted for a week or so as we took our family holiday to Liskeard, Cornwall. My sister and brother-in-law booked Merryfield Manor through Airbnb and it was honestly so so beautiful. We had a huge house with 5 bedrooms (so I didn't have to share with Harrie) and we even had our own swimming pool and sauna. 

We visited a ton of places in Cornwall and Harrie just adored the beach. She loved running up to the sea and then running away with the waves chasing her and licking her feet. She turned her hand to building sandcastles but as soon as they were made she flattened them back down to start again - I don't think she was a fan!

We are both super lucky to have such a wonderful family to share our holidays with, it was lovely to see her so happy to see everyone, and search out anyone that dared leave her sight for a minute!

My brother-in-law, and Harrie's uncle and godfather, took this gorgeous photos of my little princess. They capture her personality so perfectly and it just sums up how happy she is. She really is the light in the dark.

I hope to get back to more regular blogging now that we are back to normal, plus the summer holidays are coming up and we have lots of adventures planned.

Take care x

My pregnancy experience: Hyperemesis Gravidarum

I would hedge my bets that you haven't heard of Hyperemesis Gravidarum, unless you've actually suffered from it yourself. Let's call it HG for typing sake. I had very briefly heard of it before my diagnosis, because Princess Kate had it during her first pregnancy (and subsequently, her second), so I remember sitting in a coffee shop and it was all over the news that she was in hospital with 'morning sickness'. "Wimp" was my exact thought to be honest with you, "can't even get through early pregnancy without extra help". Future me would have slapped that version of me round the face, if I'd had the strength.

6 weeks and 6 days; that's how long I was pregnant before the hormones kicked in and knocked me off my feet. I couldn't work, I had to take almost 2 months off sick, and I couldn't eat or drink, or taste, or smell...or breathe. I can't even put into words how horrific it was. I was hospitalised 3 times (with dehydration and my body had entered ketosis), until I was eventually given the godsend that is Ondansetron (Zofran). I would have sold everything I had to get that drug if I'd have had to pay for it. I was constantly reminded that it costs £30 a pill, and "have you tried ginger biscuits?" Insert your chosen expletive here.

Now, there is a difference between morning sickness and HG. I don't have first hand experience of both, only the latter, but I do know that morning sickness goes around the end of the first trimester (though I am aware it is not set to a clock and we are all different). Every time I saw a nurse/midwife/doctor I had to go through all my symptoms again - as if they weren't glaringly obvious, I was vomiting dusk til dawn - and I had to sit through all the remedies that "would work" for me. I gave them my best shot but I can no longer stand mints or anything minty, ginger biscuits, dry foods etc. I wasted money on anti-sickness wristbands, considered acupuncture and was even counselled on considering a termination. There were hours, days, weeks that I thought I couldn't do it, I wanted to give up and feel normal again, to live my life without having to be 5ft from a bathroom.

Luckily at 7, 10, 20 and 22 weeks I had something to hold onto - seeing my baby. She is how I got through the darkest moments, knowing at the end I would be given my reward for staying as strong as I could.

Now, the serious stuff. If you think you have any of the symptoms of HG you need to get to your doctor or midwife ASAP. It is a fairly rare pregnancy illness and sadly the knowledge of it is so varied. In Essex, I was diagnosed immediately, but when I got home to Lancaster it took 2 more hospital trips, countless doctors appointments and, unfortunately, 31 weeks of vomiting, for everyone to believe something was wrong. Although I got the best medication (for me) early on, there were many things I was not informed about that changed the end of the pregnancy for me;

• HG babies are likely to be premature with a low birth weight - Harrie was born at 37+1 weighing 6lbs; 
• HG labours tend to need medical intervention as the mother is weak from being ill - I needed a forceps delivery; 
• it is important for the mother to see a consultant from fairly early on to help manage HG and discuss any problems that can occur - when my midwife eventually agreed to referring to me to a consultant it was too late because I went into labour a few days later.
• it wasn't known whether I could breastfeed or not - I didn't in the end as I didn't know how long the medication I had taken for 7 months was going to stay in my system and no one I spoke to could tell me whether it would pass through my milk to Harrie. I decided not to as she had already been 'taking' the medication with me for almost the whole pregnancy and at that time there was very little information on Zofran's impact on babies. If you are interested in reading into that a bit more a study has recently been carried out regarding this.

I'm going to put a bit of information about HG now that I have taken from the HelpHER.org website. The most fantastic resource I had through my pregnancy was HelpHER - I cannot thank the community enough. I lurked on that site as much as I could and found some solace in that I was not the only one to experience HG, as well as the terrible and conflicting emotions that also reared their heads.

Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a severe form of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. It is generally described as unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids. If severe and/or inadequately treated, it is typically associated with:

• loss of greater than 5% of pre-pregnancy body weight (usually over 10%)
• dehydration and production of ketones
• nutritional deficiencies
• metabolic imbalances
• difficulty with daily activities
• HG usually extends beyond the first trimester and may resolve by 21 weeks; however, it can last the entire pregnancy in less than half of these women. Complications of vomiting (e.g. gastric ulcers, esophageal bleeding, malnutrition, etc.) may also contribute to and worsen ongoing nausea.

There are numerous theories regarding the etiology of hyperemesis gravidarum. Unfortunately, HG is not fully understood and conclusive research on its potential cause is rare. New theories and findings emerge every year, substantiating that it is a complex physiological disease likely caused by multiple factors.

Diagnosis is usually made by measuring weight loss, checking for ketones, and assessing the overall condition of the mother. If she meets the standard criteria and is having difficulty performing her daily activities, medications and/or other treatments are typically offered.

Treating HG is very challenging and early intervention is critical. HG is a multifaceted disease that should be approached with a broad view of possible etiologies and complications. When treating mothers with HG, preventing and correcting nutritional deficiencies is a high priority to promote a healthy outcome for mother and child.

I haven't gone into too much detail regarding my illness as a) it's an emotional thing to write about for me, still, and b) it's quite gross and frankly, TMI. If anyone wants to have a chat about it and/or their experience then I'm contactable via my email here, and I do really look forward to hearing from you.

Mothercare XSS Pockit Stroller/GB Pockit Stroller Review

As a mother who doesn't drive and frequently travels the width and length of the country to see family and friends, a pram is a whole heap of hassle. The likelihood of getting the wheelchair/pushchair space on a train or bus is slim to none, especially during rush hour, and Harrie loves to walk and run everywhere, so I sometimes found myself pushing an empty pram whilst chasing a toddler. Not ideal.

Then one day I came across compact strollers and they are a dream! Originally I managed to get the Quicksmart Easyfold Stroller from eBay for super cheap but it was just too big - I thought it was the Quicksmart Backpack Stroller as it was labelled that way, so I sold it on and my search continued (I don't think this pram is available to buy new anymore in this country).

When I first came across the Pockit Stroller I couldn't justify paying £130 for our third pram, especially knowing it wouldn't get a whole heap of use as the whole point was that I was able to carry it around for 'just in case'. I popped into Mothercare for a test drive and instantly loved it. I can't believe how small it folds up - H34xW14xD32cm to be exact. It comes with a fairly nice and easy to use shoulder bag, but I knew that wouldn't work for me so I set about finding a backpack big enough for it. Super simple - I found this cabin size backpack for £12! Then I accumulated a few discount vouchers and shopping vouchers and off I went to buy the stroller, and we walked out with Harrie strapped in and no packaging to dispose off - thank you to Mothercare Birmingham City Centre for that!

(two minutes after purchase!)

(in the backpack, still plenty of room and the pram isn't at it's most compact)

So, the review. Overall, I love it, It is perfect for us, Harrie goes to London twice a month to visit her Dad and we can fit the stroller and all her clothes and other paraphernalia in the backpack and it isn't too heavy. We no longer have to sit in the wheelchair bay on the bus or train, which means we don't have to wait ages for a bus with a free spot. It is easy to manoeuvre, and as a fairly short woman (5ft3) I have no issues with the height. Her father, who is an avid complainer, has not mentioned any problems with the height either and he is around 6ft. I can't unfold it one handed but I'm sure it is possible but you need to give it a good flick of the wrist. I can fold it down in about 15 seconds with ease, though there is a more compact fold with the wheels folded in more, that takes me a couple of minutes and two hands. Harrie seems comfortable in it and although it doesn't recline she has slept very well in it when she has tired herself out (and me) running around.

                     (a picture for scale)                       (folded, but the wheels can still fold down more)

The downsides are that there isn't a rain cover, and it wouldn't really be possible to use one as there is nothing to support it from touching your child - suffocation risk. Also, there is a small sunshade but nothing amazing so you might have to buy a parasol or just a decent hat if your child is a bit older. These things don't hugely bother me as it won't be too long until we won't be using a pram at all so she is going to have to brave all weathers! The stroller is suitable for children from 6 months old though, so that is something you would have to take into consideration. Harrie is quite petite so we still have a lot of weight to gain before she outgrows it as it has a maximum weight of 15kg.

I have seen online that most people purchase this as a holiday/travel stroller and I agree that it is perfect for that due to the compact size. However, for us it is used much more frequently - if we go to the supermarket I can let Harrie walk there and then whip the pram out to control her little fingers grabbing everything in sight! As it is compact there is limited storage space and you MUST NOT hang bags on the back of it. I know most prams say this but I really think it would snap this pram and your child could end up injured. My solution for this is the handy backpack that is empty once Harrie is strapped in - I fill it with my shopping!

These are a few of the specs from Mothercare.com that I thought are the most useful to know:

• Suitable from 6 months to a maximum weight of 15kg
• Can easily fit into an airplane's overhead compartment or store under a seat on public transport
• Stroller Folded Dimensions: H34xW14xD32cm
• Stroller Unfolded Dimensions: D75xW44.5xH99cm
• Stroller Weight 3.9kg
• Free 2 year guarantee

That is something I forgot actually - it is so light! It also only comes in one design at the moment, which is a quite subtle grey and black leopard print - not at all offensive luckily! It is exclusive to Mothercare right now, though it does say online it would be available elsewhere from Spring 2016.

Get to know me

I have about 8 blog ideas saved on here but it's quite hard to get down to writing them when you have a 2 year old ruling the roost! So I thought I'd do a quick blog post with some facts about me, likes and dislikes...the usual!

1. My full name is Amy Victoria Davies
2. My three biggest fears are flying, spiders and heights - though as a lone parent you kind of have to deal with spiders :(
3. Three things I couldn't live without are Harrie, internet and water
4. I don't really drink, mostly because I can't stand feeling sick or nauseous and alcohol sometimes has that effect, but also because I'm not super keen. I do like a good cocktail though!
5. I have two tattoos, one on my right inner arm and one across my upper back, both done by @tattfletch
6. I haven't got any pets and zero plans to have any, a child is enough work!
7. My favourite high street shop is probably Mango, closely followed by Topshop and Zara. Though I do sometimes love a little look in M&S, their limited edition range is sometimes so nice.
8. My biggest influence for starting this blog is Hannah Michalak because I find her so down to earth and relatable for being a mum to a similar age child. Louise Pentland is also amazing, woman power, and I find her journey as a co-parent very similar (reading between the lines a bit as she doesn't give too much away about that!)
9. If I could go back to my A levels I would try harder and then go on to do a medical degree - I would love to be a doctor or a nurse, I think it would be so rewarding.
10. However, as I have a BA in Criminology, my current dream job would be a bit more related to forensic psychology or investigative professions. Basically I'm nosey.
11. I am a twin, and I have two older sisters and two older half sisters.
12. My favourite food is anything mexican - I love spice!
13. I also really love to cook, not Masterchef standard but just good home cooking.
14. One of my pet(ty) peeves is when people don't tuck their pockets in properly on their jeans.
15. My favourite band is The Killers, I have adored them and their music since 2004/2005 and Brandon Flowers is easy on the eye too, which is a bonus!
16. I love reading, I find it so relaxing and it takes me away to a different world! I just finished Our Song by Dani Atkins and it was amazing and I cried so much. I love to read books that make me cry, not sure why!
17. I love crap TV. All the talent shows, all the reality shows - LOVE THEM. I will give the soaps a miss, but I also love the crime drama shows too, anything from Luther to How to Get Away With Murder.
18. Continuing on that note, I am obsessed with serial killers. Not write-to-them-in-prison-will-you-marry-me obsessed, but very very interested in the events. There is no way to write that without sounding like I want to become one - I don't!
19. I can't drive and I'm not sure I ever will learn. I think I'll be too scared, I'm not big with transport it makes me feel on edge sometimes.
20. My favourite quote is from a poetry book called Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur (buy it, you will love it and live by it).

"what i miss most is how you loved me. but what i didn’t know. was how you loved me had so much to do with the person i was. it was a reflection of everything i gave to you coming back to me. how did i not see that. how. did i sit here soaking in the idea that no one else would love me that way. when it was i that taught you. when it was i that showed you how to fill. the way i needed to be filled. how cruel i was to myself. giving you credit for my warmth simply because you had felt it. thinking it was you who gave me strength. wit. beauty. simply because you refused to take your eyes off it. as if i was already not these things before i met you. as if i did not remain all these once you left."

And on that cheery note, haha, I will end this entry here. I hope you enjoyed learning a little about me, but there will be more interesting content to come I hope!

It's about that time

I imagine this blog starts off like any other: I've been meaning to get round to starting this/I have too much time on my hands... well those are my reasons anyway. And I literally do have time to burn. I'm a stay at home Mom (yes, I say Mom, I'm from Birmingham, UK and that's what we say here, I don't know why.) I'm not this out of choice, I'm not a kept woman or rich beyond my wildest dreams: I'm a single parent. Not that I'm 100% sure what being single has to do with any of that but that is the label I'm mostly faced with or asked about. I'd prefer co-parent but I guess it isn't as catchy or something.

I have been a co-parent since my little girl, Harriet, was about one and a half, though in all honesty it was probably from day one (maybe I will get onto that in another post). She is now two and a half and I am still on this road/journey/other metaphor on my own. Well we are on it together but there is no one else helping out with the chores.

We have lived in Lancaster, Essex and now Birmingham, where I imagine we will be for the foreseeable future. I grew up here, until high school when we moved up north, so we have returned as the most of the rest of my family has. They are my only support network if I'm honest. My friends live in Lancaster (and one in Dublin), and although we have lived here almost a year I haven't made a single friends, nor acquaintance. How do you do that when you don't work and your life revolves around enabling a 2 year old to have a life? Answers on a postcard please.

To get the basics out of the way, I'm Amy and I'm 25. My daughter is Harriet though mostly referred to as Harrie and she is 2, born on Guy Fawkes night (morning actually). We spend all our time together bar her hours at nursery, and visiting her father twice a month. This is hopefully going to be an outlet for the trials and tests I'm facing during the toddler years and onwards, as well as a few flashbacks to fill you in on what brought us here today. I hope to make lots of great friends through this, and share our lives with you as my bonfire baby grows up.