How to shrug it off?

I really struggle with my emotions. I will cry at most (sad) things and I really do love a good sob to a book, I've gone so far as to seek it out sometimes! But lately I'm kind of a mess. Due to all the mess of my personal life - starting in 2012 - I don't really know how to shelf things and just let go or deal with it another time. I almost let things build up to a point I can't take it anymore.

Today has been one of those days. I really wanted to do a blog post about what a lovely weekend we have had with family but of course with the highs come the lows. I can't just take what someone says and brush it off, I let it cut me to the core so much that I feel everyone is against me. Even those that sympathise and say "yes, you are in the right" I feel like are mocking me. I assume that is part of my anxiety I have accumulated in the last few years. I struggle a lot with thinking people are laughing at me, or know things about me I don't want them to - stemming from my most recent relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I think I am a strong, independent person. I thoroughly enjoy being on my own (aside from the lonely moments) and I think in a crisis I'm level headed. But on a Sunday evening, when Harrie is in bed and I'm on the receiving end of yet another verbal attack...I'm on the floor.

How do I learn to just ignore it, as I'm so often told? It's beyond me, I say it, I mean it - only communicate with me for X reason...but then I will find myself in this moment again in a few weeks time. I'm almost drowning in it.

All of the ailments

I've been MIA. I have a ton of blog posts planned but unfortunately I'm even struggling to type this one. I have a huge lump on my wrist, potentially a ganglion and carpal tunnel. Bloody nightmare, especially when you have a toddler. It's also on my money maker arm, which is 10 x worse.

Secondly, I found out a few weeks ago that I have sciatica. I'm not 100% sold that it is that though. I got a knee injury last September and never went to the doctors, just got over it basically, but now if I'm up and about for over 2 hours I'm in the most pain from my hip to my foot. And I mean AGONY. Burning sensation, pain, numbness...the works. I've been referred for an MRI and physio but that's weeks and weeks away as I'll be just popped on the waiting list. I don't mind, I'm not more worthy of a scan than anyone else, it kind of just puts a spanner in the works as it's the summer hols and we have a ton of things planned, most of which are extremely active (for a toddler and a limp).

So yes, I'm hoping I can get back into blogging but with this (potential) cyst I'm struggling to type for too long, the posts might just take a little longer to get up.

Will have to sign off now as the painkillers are kicking in so it's time for some sleep.

Take care x

Our 5 year plan

I graduated 4 years ago. FOUR. I have had two crappy low-paid jobs since then, and a two year old. But now it is time to focus on the long game, I need to create stability and security for us, for our future.

So this is my five year plan:

2016/2017 - There's not a whole lot on the to-do list but I need to get a placement at a primary school, for ten days at least. I also need to complete my UCAS application for September 2017 to do a PGCE in primary school teaching. Since a young girl I wanted to be a teacher but then I grew up and the big wide world threw a million exciting jobs at me and I got lost in it all. I have a degree in Criminology and Youth Studies, which of course I would love to pursue, but the teacher shortage crisis in the UK has made me think a little differently. Harrie will start school in a few years and I want her to have an excellent education, from teacher's who want to teach, and I know I have it in me to join forces and be passionate about learning for our future generations. PREACH.

2017/2018 - Hopefully I will be starting and completing my PGCE and heading into the next year as an newly qualified teacher. This is also the year I hope to take Harrie on a big holiday (as we will be forced to only have school holiday trips after that). I don't know whether I'm thinking Disney or Lapland, or something in between, but the goal is set.

2018/2019 - Harrie starts school September 2018 so this is when I will finally return to full time work, fingers crossed it will be my return to school also. This is the point where our saving for security begins. The target is a mortgage by the time I'm 32, so that will give me about 4 years to save every penny!

2019/2020 - More saving, more saving, more saving

2020/2021 - Same as before but hopefully we can squeeze another decent holiday out of the fund. I'm hoping I will be established in a school by this point and aim to be re-training to become a primary maths specialist teacher.

2021/2022 - The scary part; buy a house hopefully...

Here's to the future! I am fully aware situations change, people may come into our life or leave it, but this plan is just for me and Harrie at the moment. We have a long road ahead of us, but I feel I need to do this, for both of us.


Take care x

There is no irritant as painful as an ace up your sleeve that you can never use

My brain is a mess right now. How do you explain something to someone who makes it so obvious they just don't care enough to listen?

I'm really struggling with this co-parent business. I am the only parent for 28 nights of the month. I am the only parent for 28 days of the month. I take my darling to nursery, to the park, to activities, shopping, to visit family and friends, I make her 3 meals a day, I make playdoh animals with her, I kiss her ouchies better...I can truthfully say I do everything for her. I would be completely happy if I could up that to 30 days a month.

Planning ahead

Anyone with children understands that they need constant entertainment otherwise they will be a handful and a half. Harriet isn't any different. Due to just coming back from a fun-filled holiday, she has taken to trashing the house and causing any amount of havoc she can, because she doesn't have 6 adults attending to her every whim. Help me. Two days ago she shouted me from half way down the stairs so I went to see what she was doing and she launched a bottle of shower gel at me. A bottle she had unscrewed the lid from. Onto my dry clean only skirt and the carpet. Why, child?

So operation Summer Holiday Survival has begun. I'm hoping to get us away somewhere in the UK every fortnight for a few days so we can visit people, but also so that being at home in between is slightly more bearable. Parks and play centres are packed during the holidays and Harrie has developed this tendency of late to find a child (usually a good few years older) and copy everything they do. I ran at the speed of light the other day as she jumped to reach the monkey bars behind a 7 year old. Bloody terrifying. So we need to try and avoid those as much as we can really unless its first thing in the morning.

My plans so far mainly focus on August; I got two free tickets to Legoland via The Sun (don't judge me, I didn't read it) so we are off to Windsor for a few days for the first weekend. Then the following Sunday we go to our heart-town, Lancaster, to visit friends and loved ones with my twin - I think I'm most excited for this, we only get to go back once or twice a year and it's lovely for my friends to see how much Harrie has changed. Then finally a fortnight later we go to my sister and brother-in-law's house in Essex for a long bank holiday weekend, maybe with a trip to the seaside thrown in!

Those are our concrete plans but my friend from Dublin is hoping to fly over at the end of July, which will be so good as Harrie really loves her. I'm also hoping to get to a zoo or something as she's super into animals at the moment, plus we need to get all the attractions in before she turns 3 haha! On top of this I hope to make our first proper trip to Birmingham Library to sign Harrie up and borrow some books so we can really get into that together. I adore reading and always have since a very young child, and I'm really hoping Harrie shares that enjoyment with me.

I'm not sure what else we will get up to but I'm sure I will get a good few blog posts out of that to keep you all updated with our activities!

Take care everyone x

How do you just stop caring?

I just want to put it out there that I have zero feelings for Harriet's father. I'm not fully indifferent though, I'm still struggling with all the situations he put me in and the emotional distress he caused me. How do you get past that? Every time he tells me, oh-so-sensitively, about another conquest, another engagement (I kid you not), I just feel so much hate. And the most annoying part is that he attributes it to jealousy. I feel all this emotion towards him because I cannot escape him. He will always be in my life, and he doesn't deserve it. This is not me commenting on him as a father by the way, as a person in general. Imagine the worst relationship you've known, horrific break up and a very insensitive ex. And then someone tells you that you need to talk to them everyday. Some days it makes me want to change my number and move away to never hear from him again. I never would as I will push Harrie and him to have a relationship for as long as she wants it, for ten years or forever. But I just wish I didn't have to be involved.

Our Liskeard Getaway

So I haven't posted for a week or so as we took our family holiday to Liskeard, Cornwall. My sister and brother-in-law booked Merryfield Manor through Airbnb and it was honestly so so beautiful. We had a huge house with 5 bedrooms (so I didn't have to share with Harrie) and we even had our own swimming pool and sauna. 

We visited a ton of places in Cornwall and Harrie just adored the beach. She loved running up to the sea and then running away with the waves chasing her and licking her feet. She turned her hand to building sandcastles but as soon as they were made she flattened them back down to start again - I don't think she was a fan!

We are both super lucky to have such a wonderful family to share our holidays with, it was lovely to see her so happy to see everyone, and search out anyone that dared leave her sight for a minute!

My brother-in-law, and Harrie's uncle and godfather, took this gorgeous photos of my little princess. They capture her personality so perfectly and it just sums up how happy she is. She really is the light in the dark.

I hope to get back to more regular blogging now that we are back to normal, plus the summer holidays are coming up and we have lots of adventures planned.

Take care x