Sunday 31 July 2016

How to shrug it off?

I really struggle with my emotions. I will cry at most (sad) things and I really do love a good sob to a book, I've gone so far as to seek it out sometimes! But lately I'm kind of a mess. Due to all the mess of my personal life - starting in 2012 - I don't really know how to shelf things and just let go or deal with it another time. I almost let things build up to a point I can't take it anymore.

Today has been one of those days. I really wanted to do a blog post about what a lovely weekend we have had with family but of course with the highs come the lows. I can't just take what someone says and brush it off, I let it cut me to the core so much that I feel everyone is against me. Even those that sympathise and say "yes, you are in the right" I feel like are mocking me. I assume that is part of my anxiety I have accumulated in the last few years. I struggle a lot with thinking people are laughing at me, or know things about me I don't want them to - stemming from my most recent relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I think I am a strong, independent person. I thoroughly enjoy being on my own (aside from the lonely moments) and I think in a crisis I'm level headed. But on a Sunday evening, when Harrie is in bed and I'm on the receiving end of yet another verbal attack...I'm on the floor.

How do I learn to just ignore it, as I'm so often told? It's beyond me, I say it, I mean it - only communicate with me for X reason...but then I will find myself in this moment again in a few weeks time. I'm almost drowning in it.

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